(Note: This is a journaling exercise I use infrequently. The last time I used it was six years ago, before the pandemic took hold. At that time the events gave the impression that the world was closing in upon me, and I sought refuge in the only way I could think of - meditative prayer and dialogue, writing down as in the form of an interview transcript. This term seems indifferent and even cold, but it's what comes to mind.)
February 23, 2006
Lord Jesus, I am troubled. I truly wish to seek your Wisdom. Humbly, I come to You.
Robert, please sit beside Me. I always have time for anyone who seeks the Spirit of wisdom, humility, knowledge, and perseverance...you do know a very important one, yes?
The Holy Spirit's gift of reverence, the "fear of the Lord"?
That's right. What troubles you, my son?
It seems that in my desire to follow You, love You, and serve You I am reminded of my not so glorious past. I made promises and broke them. I took vows and did not live up to them. I see disparity in Your Church and feel compelled to tell others that it's not perfect.
Slow down...one thing at a time. You confessed the broken promises and unfulfilled vows a long time ago.
Yes, but as King David expressed in his greatest penitential ode, "my sin is always before me...against You alone have I sinned and have done what is evil in Your sight" (Psalm 51).
Go on...
Are these offenses so great that I cannot overcome them? "Do not cast me away from Your presence, nor deprive me of Your Holy Spirit...Give me back the joy of Your salvation, and sustain me with a willing spirit"...have I made the wrong association with this prayer in my heart?
There are very few sins that cannot be 'overcome', as you say. But no one, let alone Myself, said it would be easy. Did you really believe everyone gets a Prodigal Son welcome? Have you not been told, have you misunderstood that consequences remain a very long time?
What happened?
I went to Mass this morning, presumably to operate the livestream for those in our community unable to attend. But a technical glitch happened and I wasn't able to do that. I informed my partner that we had a problem as I'm supposed to do. He asked me if I could serve as lector, as the regular lector is having surgery. I know I can't preach, but I'm still an instituted lector and I thought the role of the lector and the deacon were somewhat exclusive. I didn't realize that all these other roles within the sanctuary would be shut off as well. I got up to do the reading and was motioned away from the sanctuary by the pastor, who in a loud whisper reminded me of the sins of my past.
What did you do? How did you react?
Well, he's the boss, so to speak. It would certainly be inappropriate to challenge that while Mass is going on...
Yes.
So, I humbly went back to my seat, with the understanding that this is a boundary I can't cross, at least not there.
What do you mean by that?
Jesus, You know everything - so you must know that I have been given some unusual tasks at the other parish I have been serving in for a long time.
Of course, I know about this. What about it?
I sincerely accepted this honor, apparently with the permission of the priest who is parochial administrator - we have no pastor, as we may not even have a parish much longer. But am I stepping out of bounds doing so? My heart tells me no. So why is there a double standard?
You do realize that this honorable task I have given you is temporary, don't you? Once things are settled one way or the other, the picture will change and will affect you. Or any number of other things as well - your health, your son's health...do I need to go on?
I have come a long way, my God, from those days when I felt forced to choose my path.
Stay with the ministry and cause scandal by separation or divorcing your wife. Accept that family came first and suffer the consequences. Did I say your choice was wrong?
No, you didn't.
Just because the Prodigal Son was welcomed back by his father - My Father, by the way - didn't mean that he wasn't reminded of his checkered past, especially by his older brother. Yeah, that part got left out. Luke thought it best to express that the ultimate return home - to Me and to My Father - is one of inexpressible joy.
Why did you want to do this? See a need, fill a need, right. You thought the roles of lector and deacon are mutually exclusive - you're correct, in My opinion - and it's not like you would do this that often. Just like you wouldn't facilitate the livestream every day, but you already do it more than you were originally asked to.
Don't you think you're doing enough already? Working in a ministerial capacity in three different parishes, and playing ecumenical musician for another congregation? Be honest, you know Who you're talking with.
God, I feel that I have these sins to make up for, the vows unfulfilled, the compassion You and others have shown me during all the times I have had to struggle. I have often questioned when I have done enough.
I am telling you. Robert, you are a talented and respected Church musician who doesn't take the act 'on the road'. Much like King David when he wrote and sang many of those psalms to Me. You are a leader and facilitator among men, with twice the number of My Apostles regularly attending. You assist in many capable ways and you yourself have said that these are things any lay minister is capable of doing but adding your credentials - even as checkered as they seem - adds dignity to what you do. Isn't that enough?
In all honesty, Jesus, I don't know what is enough. Is any work in the field of ministry ever enough?
Robert, my son, if you were to take on another thing, there might not be room for the next younger believer to come forward. Don't concern yourself. Be aware that this might work in some places but not in others. These roles are but dessert following a most satisfying Meal. It may sound harsh, but it's okay to 'stay in your lane.' You now understand a boundary. You suffer because of what was. You're offering that suffering to Me. To restore what once was might take away from what is and what is to come. It would take much rearranging to cause that to happen. It's yours to choose. Right now, I don't need details. Just follow Me.
Thank You, Jesus. You have the answers. You have the words of everlasting life, as Peter said.
I'm not done, Robert. I love you, and because of it I died for you, but it's not time to say, "well done, good and faithful servant." I have made you well aware of the plight of many, and they deserve compassion and attention. Your compassion, your awareness, your action. Give some of yourself to that. I did.
I'll try.
Do. Or do not. There is no "try". (chuckling) Be at peace. I'm here whenever you need Me.
That's all the time, my Lord and God. All the time.
No comments:
Post a Comment